Monday, July 16, 2012

I Am A Phenix (Phoenix)

I've finished reading the Disappearance Of The Universe by Gary Renard (and his clan) two and half months after my mom recommended it to me. I was in the middle of moving out of the house that we couldn't afford to pay for anymore, so it took me more than it would've taken me to read this book under "normal" circumstances. Into the first 60 pages I couldn't help but to brake down in tears. I called my mom asking her why she would've sent me that book and to tell her how I wasn't handling it well. It was just "too much" to take in at that moment. I felt so alone and defeated then. I came to realize the connection between certain things I already knew as well as to review what I had already learned since my late teens. I was privileged to have participated for several years in a group of self-awareness, the development of understanding and healing what/who "I am". I still do, whether directly or indirectly.. As a matter of fact, the book D.U. was recommended to the group by one of the group developers to aid the understanding of another book, A Course In Miracles . This one member got a hold of A Course In Miracles back in 1995 and had helped the group practice the understanding of it (as I see it). Needless to say, I was much too young to connect the dots then. Only two months ago my mom explained to me that this is what the group have been referencing from for the last 17 years. I can't begin to explain the mix of feelings inhabiting my soul as I looked back and uncovered the connection with everything. The first thing I couldn't help but ask my mom was, why did she take so long to tell me about A Course in Miracles. Why why why??? It is such a rhetorical question. It just didn't happen, I wasn't ready for it before, regardless of how much I was living by it way before I realized I was. Well, her and I couldn't help but laugh at our little discoveries, our way to hold on to each other even from a great distance (we live in separate countries for the last 11 years) and despite our, at  times, difficult relationship. I still haven't really got into the A Course In Miracles other then through reading the Disappearance Of The Universe, and now passed half way into the other book by Gary, Your Immortal Reality. I tried to get sucked into it from the beginning of the book but found myself loosing concentration too easily. I checked the Workbook and thought to myself; -"This is easy, I already know all this." Mostly because I've been practicing it for, what I perceive, as being a long time. Nonetheless, I'm fully aware that the Text is a crucial part of practicing it.  Specially now that I know where all my previous rudimentary practice was referencing from. So much makes sense now, how easy it is to understand the message within the D.U. Please, don't mistake reading and understanding it with "living" that way. I used to think that the group, in some ways, had only served to turn me into a weird one among the "people in the world". Though I could never change the profound change in perception it had offered me, though I could never go back and compromise what I learned to "see", it made me feel so lonely. Especially after I moved over 10.000 miles away. One of my brothers (both my brothers also participated in the group at some point) often joked about it saying that it felt like the decision in the movie Matrix; -Should I take the blue or the red pill? And that no matter what, we're screwed. I had to agree with him at those times but I realized that we're Not screwed when we choose with our "right mind". I'm sure the group stressed that time and again, I didn't get it then. However just the fact that we were there hearing it, it would eventually "click" when the time was right. I'm so greatly thankful for the opportunity to participate (at the time the group "preferred" the older people, probably because they would be better able to understand and handle the message, at least in the aspect of form), it was sometimes overwhelming to me, other times I would just ignore it. For them it must have been like me trying to teach it to my 14 year old daughter today (-Laughing Hysterically), I'm so thankful for the patience and love granted. I do intend to find the message in a "Child-Teen Friendly" form.

Meanwhile I'm just really enjoying this moment, open to learn, glad to share...

I send out my gratitude for the opened hearts I met along the way, the "difficult ones" too. Thank you mom, thank you brothers... Thank you friends, brothers and sisters of the group. Thank you A. for your never ending love that continues to expand, I've always been truly honored to have met you, now I actually know we were meant to...

Much Love,

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